Even when you dedicate yourself to healing, it ain’t all rainbows and sunshine!
Last fall I quit posting to my blog because I was consumed by writing my memoir, but also because I felt I was slipping up in my progress towards healing from my own traumas, severe depression, and physical manifestations of stress.
While I was writing about some of the traumatic moments of my life, there were days—sometimes even weeks—where I felt that my internal spark had gone out. Revisiting the most painful moments of my life through my writing often took a physical toll on me, and I’ve gotten so many positive comments about the spark that was reignited over the last year or so, I didn’t feel I could show my true face in public if it wasn’t a happy one.
As a result, what I had intended to share with the world about my healing journey was put on hold—mostly because I felt like a failure. At the time, I thought that because I kept having bad days that didn’t meet with my own internal expectations and goals for what I deemed “appropriate” to feel at this stage in my healing journey, I wasn’t in a position to give advice or share stories about such an important and serious topic.
I had mistakenly thought that I should only be sharing my successes and not admitting to my failures. I wanted to share my worst fears with the world AFTER I had completely overcome them. I wanted to be able to say: THIS is how I made it through grieving the loss of my mother to suicide, through physical and emotional abuse, through the fear that nearly consumed me and the subsequent pitfalls I went through with depression, excessive weight gain, PTSD, fibromyalgia, and chronic stress.
Well, that was my mistake because you can’t put a time or a finish line on when you will COMPLETELY overcome all of your issues.
As my husband often reminds me—I’m a woman, I’ll always have issues. He’s under the impression that my hormones will always run amuck
Then something incredible happened at the beginning of January. The universe slapped me in the face, telling me to wake up and listen. All at once, I had several messages from different sources (a newsletter in my inbox, a passage I read in a book, a blog post from one of the amazingly insightful people I follow) all telling me the same thing: SHARE my MISTAKES—share the struggle.
These messages basically said: Don’t just wait to get through all the muck before you let loose and tell how it really went down—do it while in the process because it’s your own personal vulnerability and the commonality of our shared struggles that will really connect us to each other and help support us on our collective journeys of health and well-being and that ever elusive goal of finding true happiness.
So, I rolled that thought around in my head for another couple of months while I worked on assessing my progress from last year and defined my goals for this year. And I’ve come to the conclusion “Yes—that sounds like a good idea. It’s doable. And, it will make me much more accountable for my own actions.”
My goal now is to eradicate self-criticism—which is the key to progress and success—and share my failures as well as my successes with you.
As Jonathan Fields of The Good Life project contemplates in his blog post, I’m going to “go public with my bad self.” In essence, I’m going to show up before I have all the answers and share my journey of what is working and what isn’t.
Just like it states in Hugo Lindgren’s New York Times article, I’m going to take Pixar’s in-house theory to heart: “Be wrong as fast as you can. Mistakes are an inevitable part of the creative process, so get right down to it and start making them. Even great ideas are wrecked on the road to fruition and then have to be painstakingly reconstructed.”
No longer will I let the fear of doing something wrong paralyze me—whether it’s about how I write the most vulnerable parts of my memoir, what I choose to share on my blog, or what I say when I speak in public. As long as I’m writing and speaking from the heart, that’s all that matters.
The point is—I’m going to do it wrong. The first time, anyway. Then I’m going to figure out how to do it right. I won’t know what is right, though, until I know what’s wrong—so I just need to get moving!
I’ll tell you, this is where my self-doubt always surfaces, the point where I have to ask myself: Am I strong enough to openly continue my personal healing journey in front of the judgmental eyes of everyone, to share the details of the traumas I’ve lived through, to figure out this complicated process while everyone is watching?
My answer is: Yes, I am, because I know my experience could be helpful to someone else who is struggling, too. It may help my readers—you—to know that even though I have come a long way, I still have a roller coaster of good days and bad days that fuels raw emotions. My greatest wish is that I hope my truth and vulnerability will help you to know you’re not alone in the struggle to overcome grief, depression, and the physical illnesses you might be dealing with as a result of long held, deeply buried pain.
The important thing is to know that light will always follow the darkness, so long as we look for it. There’s always a way out. You just need to push harder, move forward, and find some way to achieve success—even if it’s only a small success, like making it through another day with a spark of hope.
I think that process is worth sharing.
So, I hope you’ll join me on this journey as I delve into the journals I wrote over the last two years and truly open up by sharing the good and the difficult parts of my story with the world.
With love and encouragement,
Use Facebook to Comment on this Post
|Morning Miles : Natureland County Park 5.15.13||True Healing and Transformation Begins at Home|
|Morning Miles : Natureland County Park 5.15.13|
|True Healing and Transformation Begins at Home|