Trust the Process: Confessions of a Self-Saboteur


Do you find that you excel at procrastination? Are you prolific with ideas, but terrible with the follow through? Do you find yourself indulging in not so healthy behaviors rather than facing difficult emotions?

If you answered yes, then you may be sabotaging your success by repeatedly getting in your own way!

Yep, that’s me. I just described exactly what I have been doing for the last two weeks.

I’ve hit that point in my writing where I have to face the truth, and it’s not pretty. In fact, it’s extremely upsetting. Rather than push forward to reach the place where I know everything will make sense and where I will find peace and calm, I find myself just wanting to run and hide.

I’ve slipped back into that pattern of avoidance where there is always something more compelling that needs my immediate attention: the dishes, the laundry, the tea kettle that must be scrubbed to a pristine shine (although that is an impossible task). Suddenly I must order those 10 books I’ve always wanted to read that will for sure keep me motivated. But are those really the right ones? Maybe I should keep looking and comparing. And I should really touch base with all of the people I haven’t seen in awhile. Maybe I should plan an almost end-of-summer cookout? Or, maybe I’m just focusing on the wrong project. Maybe I should do that other one first…you know the one everyone keeps asking about! Or maybe I just need to take a break to develop those workshops I said I’ve always wanted to offer. Or maybe I need to just go look for one of those conventional J-O-B’s.

You get the picture.

In June I wrote 4 chapters of my memoir in a week, then went straight into the memoir workshop at the Iowa City Writer’s Festival. As soon as I returned home, I crashed. My energy went through the floor and was replaced with negative self-doubt. Each time I write or read a scene about my mothers suicide or about my ensuing fears for the future, I become so overwhelmed by the memories of those feelings that my body relives it as if it were happening right now. Im my heart I know, without a doubt, that this is just part of the process of healing, though. And if I don’t allow myself to face this, to speak the truth, to give voice to the pain and the fear–then it will forever be buried within me, repressed, and ready to rise up unexpectedly in those times when I am most vulnerable and weak. Then the crippling depression would return. And I can’t let that happen.

I refuse to continue to let pain and fear have power over me.

So this is my public confession– and my first step at holding myself accountable.

For the next two months I am focusing entirely on writing my story and facing the realizations that will come in doing so, no matter how vulnerable it makes me feel, how scared I am to do it, or how difficult it will be. I know that I can’t move forward with my goals and my purpose until I face this. In choosing to limit myself to this focus for two months, though, I am keeping an end in sight. This way I can remind myself during the difficult times that it is, once again, only a temporary state of being that I am experiencing.

So, for the months of August and September these are my goals:

  • I will write about 50 pages a month (approximately 2 pages a day) that move the narrative arc of my memoir forward.
  • I am not going to worry about structure, grammar, or allow myself to edit. I am just going to release what needs to be written and trust the process of writing to heal.
In committing to this, I must also commit to a new level of self-care and love: In order to make it through this process in a healthy way it is imperative that I balance the dark with the light:
  • Every day I will go for a walk while listening to an inspirational audio book. This will keep my body moving so that I can effectively release the chemicals of stress that may surface and maintain inspiration and motivation.
  • I will eat clean, fresh, plant-based foods to maintain my mental clarity and avoid a relapse of physical pain from my fibromyalgia.
  • I will remind myself of how much happiness I already have by making a gratitude list.
  • I will be present in the moment when it is time to be with my children and my husband–I will not be resentful of the time spent with them, thinking I need to be working on this memoir instead. But I will set boundaries, so that everyone knows how important this project is to me. There will be a time for work, and a time for play.
  • And, finally, I will continue to seek out support. I cannot do this alone. I am fortunate that some of the contacts I have recently made are with truly encouraging and inspiring people. I have two writing mentors that will check in with me on the 15th and 1st of each month to check my progress. I also have a couple of women who I know understand this process, are going through it too, and are only an email/skype call away. And, to ensure that I have face to face support…I will continue to attend the weekly Wednesday wellness meeting at Essential Yoga & Massage with Kristin of Kristin’s Holistic Kitchen. The women in this group are so incredibly inspiring! We share our struggles and motivate each other to push forward in our lives. And, each week, we choose a new affirmation/goal to focus on. This week my goal was to relinquish my greatest fear to the Universe and trust in the faith of the divine. This is exactly what I am doing right here.

I will also believe that I can do this.

I will have faith that I am strong enough to face this.

I can already see that I have made it to the other side, so I will continue to move forward, one step at a time.

However… I’m not officially starting until tomorrow!! So, in the meantime–here are some inspirational images I made for you. Just right click and save as to your computer or control click on your mac to save image as. Or email me at darcey@darceyrojas.com if you are interested in ordering these as a canvas that you can hang on your wall.

 

 

 

 

 

And speaking of Inspiring Images…did you know you can find me here on Pinterest? Now that is a great site for procrastinating…I mean inspiration!!

Okay, I’m off to get some writing done. I’d love to hear what your goals are for the next couple of months, though. Just leave a comment, or find me on facebook or twitter!

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About Darcey: My life is my message. ~ Ghandi This is me exploring, searching, trying...working towards becoming the truest version of my self that will help impact the world in a positive way.

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