Every person who goes out into the world to work, teach, or participate in life comes from a home that is either supportive and nurturing or chaotic and stressful. At the end of the day, each person returns to this same environment, hoping to refuel and replenish. If they live in the latter circumstance, I must ask: How can we contribute love, positive energy, and compassion to the world if we leave our front doors each day feeling depleted?
It’s been a rough couple of weeks around here! True to my word, though, I’ve decided to show up today even though I’ve been having a rough go of it lately. It’s been one of those times where several frustrating and annoying things have happened all at once.
My walking shoes wore down to the point of making my right knee lock up, which sent my back into spasms of pain for two weeks—and of course, my new tennis shoes that I ordered are on back order until the 18th. As a result, I’ve had to postpone my Morning Miles, which has kept me from photographing my Moments of Being. This alone has shifted my mood for the worse. I hadn’t realized how much I needed movement and artistic expression until it was gone.
On top of that, the basement flooded a couple weeks ago and we had to call in restorers who ripped out nearly half of our flooring. The insurance agent got involved and we thought we had a check for repairs, but it turns out they wrote it to us and our FORMER mortgage lender (within the last month my mortgage was sold to a new company, of course…) So when the check showed up, we had to send it right back and wait for a new one. We’re still waiting.
Then add on the typical daily chaos of our house, plus a broken dishwasher, the lawnmower taking it’s final pull, and a fridge that leaks all over the place, well yeah—I’ve kinda been pullin’ my hair out lately!
I could go on, but I won’t. I’ve done my ranting and raving, had my personal pity party, and shed several bouts of tears. Thank God that’s out of my system! (Don’t want to keep that kind of stress and frustration bottled up inside!!) Now it’s time to get down to business and do something!
The first thing I did was sit down and write it out in my journal, and as always, that process led to some interesting insights:
Similar to what happened when my back gave out on me at the end of 2011 and stopped me in my tracks, it seems that my house has decided to do the same thing. It’s called out to me, yelling forcefully—begging me to pay attention to it. It’s certainly done a fine job of stopping everyone in my family in their tracks.
I’m choosing to see this cry for attention as a good thing, though, as it has brought me to a key understanding in the evolution of my personal transformation. It’s helped me to realize that the next step of my healing journey is to explore my concept of home on a much deeper level—and it’s made it glaringly apparent that I am still disassociating from the immediate world around me.
Each day I find myself longing for a different life—a different world to live in. My mind and heart constantly want to run away. Ever since I was a small child living in a world far beyond my control I’ve practiced pushing my soul and consciousness out of my body in an attempt to escape reality. I often used my imagination to break down walls and rebuild my childhood bedroom with wall to ceiling windows, envisioning mountains and great expanses of ocean to look out upon. I pictured all the places I would live as soon as I was old enough to be on my own and spent years contemplating other states and countries to move to. I just could never physically manage to leave the place I’ve lived my whole life–I think because I could never bring myself to leave my father behind.
Realistically, I can’t run away, though. Running away will change nothing. I’ll still have my past, my worries, the bad habits that follow me wherever I go.
Perhaps one day I’m meant to live somewhere else, but right now, this house is pulling me back—forcing me to be present, to pay attention, to listen. It’s telling me to embrace where I’m at right now, allow my roots to grow a little deeper, and fully participate in what is available right in front of me.
As Victoria Moran says in her book, Shelter for the Spirit, “between desire and fulfillment there may be days or years of living. If you believe that having a real home depends on someone or something you don’t have, you deny yourself much of the joy available to you in the home you have today.”
I have this sense that the healing I so desperately seek, the transformation I yearn for that will lead me to the next chapter of my life—all of it will only happen if I surrender to my HOME and actively allow the true essence of my soul to manifest itself throughout the very being of its structure and geographic location.
Yeah, that may sound a little crazy, but I’ve known since my days of studying Interior Architecture and Design in college that our homes are a reflection of our soul, that they support and nurture our very essence.
And right now, there is so much chaos in my home—which undoubtedly reflects my current state of being. As I glance around at half finished projects, clutter, mismatched furniture, worn down carpeting and the plethora of things that are in a state of disrepair—I can see how the very lives of my family have been neglected, just as our souls have been.
I’ve been so focused on my aspirations, my thoughts—I’ve completely lost track of what has been happening in the immediate environment around me.
I can no longer find the very things I love—simple things like my favorite hairclip or headphones that I use on a daily basis. My daughter can never find the glue or scissors—always interrupting me to help her search for the millionth time. My husband loses his hat, his wallet—even his clothes because the laundry is overflowing and we are sharing one dresser between three people. And my teenage son feels displaced now that the room we just allowed him to move into in the basement has been torn apart.
These issues may sound like trivial things, but they are all irritants that frustrate, disrupt the flow of daily life, and immediately drag our energy down. Once that energy has been knocked down, it feeds more negative thinking and soon everyone in the house is in a bad mood, angry and annoyed with each other–desperate to have less chaos and a bit of their own space.
As a consequence, just as the house is pulling and screaming at me—begging for attention—so, too, are my daughter, husband, and son. Even the dogs have been misplaced and neglected as days go by and I barely notice them in the midst of my mental fog.
On a soul level, I know everything I truly need to do starts at HOME.
I know I will not overcome my traumas, heal my inner and outer wounds, transform myself and begin a new and successful career until I have my house and family in order. Whatever it is I am meant to do in life will only be revealed in the process of truly making my house into a home. In that process I will reveal who I am—I will come to know the woman who has gotten lost along the way.
In creating a place that nurtures and supports all of us—a place that is safe and filled with compassion—I will become a message of light and love that can go out into the world and make a difference. Only then will I retrieve the lost pieces of my soul and transform into the beautiful essence I feel just beneath the surface of my skin. Only then will I be able to step into a true state of grace that fills me with enough love that it will spill over and nurture my children and the people closest to my heart without effort.
I hope you will join me in exploring the true meaning of HOME as I spend this summer transforming the space I live in with the hope that I will transform my inner self in the process…
With love and light,
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|I Have Bad Days Too|
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